I live in the heart of the Cotswolds and as a white mum to a son and daughter that are half Chinese – we stand out.
My husband is chinese and I’m white, we have mixed-race children who bear more of a resemblance to their father’s features than my own.
When my husband and I are together, it’s obvious that we’re a family. However, most days I’m on my own and I get the feeling that some people can’t the maths! We may be in 2017 but the parochial attitudes around here would suggest otherwise!
We did discuss it when I was pregnant, but as a mixed-race couple who used to live in London, we didn’t really give it much thought as it was rare we ever encountered any racism.
Now, as a white mum to a half chinese son and daughter in a rural Cotswold community, we stand out.
I’ve already been on the receiving end of some hurtful comments and because I’ve never been personally subjected to racism, I’m unsure of how to deal with it. Especially in such a small community, where my husband has a public facing job and everyone knows us.
It’s like I’ve been thrown in at the deep-end. To date I’ve lived the ‘middle-class white privilege’ as some people call it. Racism has never been front of mind, even with a Chinese husband.
Now I’m a mum, naturally I want to protect my kids from anything that may harm them, including racism. But, just how, I’m not sure!
From the pram peekers who used to look at them, then take a second look at me. The woman in Tesco who pointed at Sprog, exclaimed he’s “mixed” and walked away.
Then there’s the time we had a workman in my house – while alone with my kids – who called my son a ‘mongrel’. To add context, he had just asked the breed of my dog. He’s a labradoodle, so therefore part labrador and part poodle.
Without flinching the workman’s jaw-dropping response was;
“Well he’s a mongrel, like your son.”
I was so taken aback by how nonchalantly he’d said it, that I was completely lost for words.
Being alone in the house with my kids, I felt vulnerable and unable to call him out. Surely, if this man felt comfortable enough to be so blatently racist then god knows what he was capable of.
Yes, I’m probably over-egging the pudding, but in that situation I couldn’t risk it.
I wish I’d been quicker, I wish I’d cut him down and made him seen the error of his ways. I was left feeling that I’d let my children down, letting him get away with it.
Such blatent racism is something both my husband and I are unused to dealing with.
In the future, when our children are able to understand the concept of racism, how do we explain it to them?
I want to ensure that our kids are raised comfortable in their own skin, and able to field any questions that make them feel uncomfortable. But, to do this, we need to work out how we feel about the questions/looks/comments/glances.
I guess it’s a question of working out what it means to be part of multicultural family in a rather white, middle-class area. I don’t want to the kids to be saddled with our baggage around race, so we need to start working this out soon!
For now, I’m just concentrating on raising two happy, healthy, confident little nippers, I guess the rest will just follow organically.
November 19, 2015 at 8:55 pm
What is WRONG with some people…I’m surprised that anyone who took one look at sprog would comment on anything other than how ABSOLUTELY ADORABLE he is…You’ll guide him through any unpleasant situations if they arise, but lets hope you never have to. xxx MMT Thanks for bringing your lovely blog to #coolmumclub, where everyone is welcome. Except racist bigots š
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November 19, 2015 at 9:10 pm
I hope someone that has been through this comments here with some constructive advice!! I can only imagine how frustrating that is… Some people are just hilarious (except NOT) with their lack of tact (such as the woman in Tesco). All I saw when I looked at your pic above was a happy mum and gorgeous baby. That’s it (but then again… I’m from London lol) #coolmumclub
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November 19, 2015 at 9:23 pm
Thanks Habiba. For some reason it’s got worse over the past week, with us overhearing some rather horrid racial slurs in relation to chinese culture in a… wait for it… garden centre.
My husband and I are talking things through, discussing how to deal with things, it’s been heartbreaking hearing about how much casual racism he’s been subject to at work. I think my husband is working things through in his own head about how it’s effecting him as he’s never had such blatent racism directed at him. So once he’s been able to digest things we can talk about things more in relation to Sprog.
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November 20, 2015 at 5:42 pm
That is just so sad to hear… Being a Muslim, unfortunately I know all too well what it is like to be on the receiving end of ignorant hatred. I hope things improve for you and your family! xxx
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November 20, 2015 at 9:19 am
It’s so sad that people are so narrow minded. Just bring your son up the way you want to and teach him to be broad minded and to pity the narrow minded people. They’ll never know true kindness because their minds are closed. #binkylinky
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November 20, 2015 at 11:38 am
Oh this angered me so much to read this, how ridiculous! You are beautiful and your son is gorgeous, why is it so unusual to see a mixed race child?! Haters going to hate and all that but you know that you have the upper hand with a beautiful family š Popping over from #binkylinky and #coolmumclub
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November 20, 2015 at 12:16 pm
Hi Sweetie, I’m married to a white man and I’m of Pakistani origin so I can relate. I can’t say i’ve felt the same as you so it’s hard to advise you in that sense. My 6 year old will draw a picture of different people and he will use different shades for different skin tones and it’s just become normal to him- he doesn’t seem himself any less than anyone else, he just sees that we are all different. I think mix race children are becoming more and more common- i think its great-those mixed skin tones and features are so beautiful. Focus on that! Children are more resilient than we think, chin up we are all beautiful! xxxx
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November 20, 2015 at 3:22 pm
That’s so awful that that woman thought, oh, what a totally acceptable thing to come out with! š¦ I wish I had some good advice for you, but all I can say is that I hope he will grow up knowing that these people are the unfortunate few. x #binkylinky
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November 21, 2015 at 10:50 am
My husband is white and I’m originally from Philippines, so I can totally relate your situation. I’ve actually noticed it myself too everywhere we go as people tend to stare at my kids not knowing what they’re thinking. I must admit, I’m scared my kids will be bullied in school because they’re mixed race. Same as you do, I just want to protect them in whatever way I can. Thanks for sharing this very lovely post! #binkylinky
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November 21, 2015 at 8:01 pm
I can’t believe there are people out there like that still must be difficult for you thanks for linking to the Binkylinky
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November 21, 2015 at 8:09 pm
Great post people shouldn’t be so rude hope it works out thanks for linking to Binkylinky
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November 21, 2015 at 9:24 pm
Oh I don’t understand why some people are so rude. Your son is beautiful. Thanks for linking up to the #BinkyLinky
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November 23, 2015 at 10:42 am
Oh I feel your frustration for something that so shouldn’t be, Spog is beautiful and shouldn’t face any trouble but it may happen in school and it will be heartbraking and so not fair but you will all rise above it. #MarvMondays
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November 23, 2015 at 4:05 pm
Bless you! That is such a weird thing for anyone to say when looking at you. Its almost as if the brain does not compute (which being in a rural location it might not!) I do not understand why people have to comment, but they do (I am a mother to a very beautiful autistic son – I’ve had people tell me he doesn’t look autistic and those who comment on his behaviour. I cant win!). I hope you find your way of feeling comfortable in your community. PS I love this photo of you two btw! #picknmix
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November 23, 2015 at 10:25 pm
Your son is beautiful, I’m sure you will raise him with heaps of self confidence. He will be able to brush any nonsense comments right away!
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November 24, 2015 at 11:45 am
How narrow minded can people be. And in this day and age. An age of freedom and where anything is possible. Your son is absolutely adorable. That’s the only thing that matters. I hope you can overcome this issue and have a worry free life, I know you will bring him up in a manner that puts those narrow minded to shame #marvmondays
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November 25, 2015 at 6:56 am
Your son is ridiculously cute and that should be all they comment on. I really hope that things improve for you all and your husband’s work realise that any firm of racism whether supposedly bantery or not is not on.
Thanks for linking up to #Picknmix
Stevie x
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November 25, 2015 at 1:21 pm
She said what …! I remember taking my friend’s kids out when I was about 16 and getting tutted at because I was obviously a single mum and the root of all evil … So frustrating! I haven’t got anything positive to add as I suspect that someone who thinks that is not going to be reasoned with. He’s a lovely child with a cool mum and dad. End of.
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November 26, 2015 at 1:37 pm
Ah, I know the Cotswolds well. Grew up there. People can have a parochial mentality in that part of the world. In truth, I suspect it’ll actually get easier as your little one gets older. He won’t be spending as much time with you so there will be fewer opportunities for him / you to be questioned. Althgouh I am white I have a phenomenally mixed background and it’s a blessing. #MMWBH
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November 26, 2015 at 8:22 pm
I can’t believe someone pointed and said that! Some people just feel the need to comment when there really is no need. He’s gorgeous and that should be the only comments. Thanks for linking up to #PickNMix
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November 27, 2015 at 10:13 pm
Aw, I’m sorry you’ve had to endure that! Though it’s not to do with race, I often have people double-take because I look very young for my age. He’s a gorgeous little guy though. Thanks for linking up to #MarvMondays! Kaye xo
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November 15, 2017 at 2:49 pm
This breaks my heart! I have talked about this quite alot lately and have even wrote a post myself.
Living near London in a very multi cultural area, we just dont notice it. Even so, I have always brought my children up to know racisim is totally unacceptable. They dont really see race as the school and environment they are in surrounds them with everyone.
We have black family members, Sri Lankan best friends, and I cant bear the thought of them being hurt by stupidity!
Having said that, a friend of mine whos hubby is from Guyana took their daughter who is two to a friends house to play (they live in Eastbourne). In the two hours she was there she was told by a seven year old that she hates black people and that because of her colour she smelt! I was mortified!
Kate xxx
Ps your children are absolutely gorgeous and that builder is a disgrace! Xxxx
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November 15, 2017 at 3:36 pm
Itās such a cruel world sometimes. Weāre all just trying to do our best and then people throw curveballs like this at us! Kids learn behaviours from their parents, so that 7-year-old has clearly been influenced by those close to her. Letās hope one day that racism is stamped out! Xx
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November 15, 2017 at 4:03 pm
You are so right! They learn it somewhere. If you get a chance check out my post, its a subject i feel strongly about (as u can tell) xxx
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November 15, 2017 at 4:43 pm
We were stunned reading this. Its incredible that such thinking is still around in this day and age. We are foster parents, and it’s not uncommon to have a child of another race placed with you. Right now we have a little african-american girl. So we know what it is to get the second-glances from people. But usually it’s just curiosity. Most people are very kind. Just focus on them, and not the ignorant few!
#fortheloveofBLOG
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November 15, 2017 at 9:08 pm
I do get a lot of curious folk and when people ask out right I’m genuinely pleased, instead of the pussy footing around. We appreciate that we’re not the ‘norm’ around these parts, so when people show genuine interest it’s great. It’s the blatent racism that leaves us stumped. As I wrote in the blog – it’s how do we deal with it in a manner that we think will help our children. It’s such a minefield, specially in such a small town! But you’re right, focus on the good ‘uns and ignore the ejits!
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November 16, 2017 at 7:25 am
In today’s life why are racism still existing. It annoys me when people are one track minded. What I love about children is that they don’t see any color barriers but it is the adults and society that make them aware of that. Whether racism will ever be eradicated, heaven knows. But we need to teach our children from young that they need to look beyond that and that looking different and having a different culture should not be labeled and discriminated against. Just continue to raise your children to the best of your ability. We are all placed on this earth for a purpose and to live our life as we see fit regardless of our race, cultural background or color. Thanks for sharing.#fortheloveofBLOG
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November 16, 2017 at 9:38 am
It’s a question I often ponder! And if it’s not racism, it’s sexism or something else equally as unsavoury.
If the racism were solely directed at me – yes, it would still be awful – but the fact is I’m NOT Chinese, my kids are, so I’m trying to work out how to help them handle it when I’ve not been on the receiving end myself. Hopefully, that makes sense. It’s like teaching someone to drive, when you don’t drive yourself! I feel ill equiped to deal with racism at points, I’m slowly finding my way and like you said, just keep doing what I’m doing raising confident children and we will all work out a way to handle it together.
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November 16, 2017 at 11:23 am
I totally get this! We are also half Chinese/Caucasian and when we travel out of where we live particularly small villages we get a lot of looks I can get it must be hard living with it daily. Thanks for linking up to #coolmumclub lovely xx
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November 16, 2017 at 12:16 pm
This is really interesting – my daughter is technically mixed race (I’m write, my husband is Hispanic), but she’s pretty pale so it’s not obvious. The thought of something making a racist comment about her makes my blood boil. #ablogginggoodtime
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November 16, 2017 at 1:27 pm
When someone is racist to my husband or children I’m left feeling a mixture of emotions. I want to protect them from all of the evils in the world but that’s just not possible. The best I can do is equip them emotionally with the requisite skills to handle anything that’s thrown at them and that goes much further than dealing with racism. I’m going to keep doing what I’m doing and I’m sure they’ll be well-rounded individuals capable of handling themselves!
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November 16, 2017 at 4:10 pm
It does make you angry with how ignorant some people can be X #coolmumclub
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November 16, 2017 at 8:53 pm
I felt quite breathtaken reading this – I’m shocked that anyone would say those things in this day and age and I’m sorry you and your children had to hear them. As angry as I would be though, I suspect I would be like you, and really not know how to respond. I really hope that as your children grow up that comments like that will become a thing of the past. Thanks for joining us at #SharingtheBlogLove
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November 17, 2017 at 7:22 am
Sorry you had to go through all this. We are an Italian expat family and our youngest son was adopted from India. Racism terrifies me, as a mother. I’m hoping the fact we live in the most multicultural place in Finland (capital area) and that times are changing will make up for most.. but I also worry.
Don’t beat yourself up for not reacting. It takes time to build the strength and awareness to be able to react and in the best ways (which may not be indignation and rage). These experiences are helping you to build that force inside.
I want to point you to my blog, I’ve recently wrote a post called “Building bridges between cultures”, I think you’ll appreciate it as mother in a multicultural family. Thanks again for sharing your experience ā¤
#BlogCrush
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November 17, 2017 at 6:38 pm
That workman was totally out of order! What a horrid, horrid man. Your little one is gorgeous and should not have to live through these types of comments. My children are mixed race, they just happen to be two āwhiteā races. In fact most Brits are a mixture of lots of races. Thatās what many, many people forget!
Good luck itās your beautiful family.#blogcrush
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November 18, 2017 at 3:56 am
Ok, this is appalling to me. Did these people just come on on a time machine from many decades ago? Maybe things are different in the States, but Asian/Caucasian pairings have been accepted for a very long time. As a young teen, black and white biracial children sometimes struggled to find their place, but this is so commonplace nowadays.
Just keep telling your children how beautiful they are from the inside out and to celebrate every part of their family history. (Oh, and if all else fails, biracial children are sincerely THE most stunning people in the world….so there ya go!).
As for those who make the rude comments, bless their ignorant souls. They likely don’t have the intelligence to know how to exist in polite society. Next time somebody says something as stupid as what you already mentioned, YOU just should say with a high-and-mighty look on your face, “So you have lived *here* your entire life, haven’t you?” Then just give them a simpering smile and a knowing look to any companion who may be with you. Ahhh, YOU are MUCH more worldly than those dumb as%#es.
Can you tell how much this has pissed me off? I want to come over there and slap somebody down!
As for your children, YOU, your family members and friends will instill all the confidence they need to be well-adjusted, happy (and beautiful!).
Great post!
#sharingthebloglove
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November 19, 2017 at 11:05 am
Really love your attitude. And you’re right, I should have the confidence to call them out on it. Just very matter of factly! Let’s hope I don’t have to put this into practice though.
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November 19, 2017 at 2:26 pm
I am going to have faith that you have already stumbled across all the loud-mouthed racists in your community. But heaven forbid, if there are any more morons out there, you can be ready to offer up – at the minimum – “That’s an unkind thing to say.” Not stooping to their level of rudeness, but perhaps giving them something to think about next time they encounter a similar situation.
My best friend’s husband’s mom is Japanese and dad is white. The Asian genes are lovely and powerful and are on display in these beautiful children who are only 1/4 Asian. As far as I know, there have not been rude comments to them or my friend, but I know that my friend’s husband has been asked outright by some puzzled rednecks, “Are you Mexican?” It’s crazy to me how someone’s ethnicity would even come up in conversation unless brought up by the person him or herself….
Let’s hope that this won’t even have to be a conversation ANYONE has a decade down the road!
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November 18, 2017 at 8:44 am
This makes me despair. How can people be so ignorant and vile?! I’ve had this a lot over the years. One day we’ll reach a tipping point and these comments and views will die out. So sorry you’ve been subjected to this racism x
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November 19, 2017 at 11:04 am
Racism is utterly deplorable, but unfortunately you can’t reason with idiots. x
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November 18, 2017 at 9:18 pm
Im so sorry to hear you are facing this. I’m Croatian and my other half is English. I try and speak my language to my daughter, but I feel super conscious about it, especially when we are out and about. You’re right, it can be more challenging in smaller communities. x
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November 19, 2017 at 11:11 am
We should be able to feel we’re capable of being loud and proud about our heritage no matter where we find ourselves. Unfortunately, even in 2017, it’s still not the case. I never mind inquisitive people who are genuinely interested, but those who are derogatory about my children/husband really affect me. No doubt we will help our children learn how to deal respectfully with racists, even if they don’t treat our children with the same decency. x
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November 20, 2017 at 8:11 pm
It’s disheartening and alarming when people come up with casually racist comments like that – but sadly that’s the world we live in. We have a similar family set-up – I’m Malaysian but UK-born, while my wife is half-English/half-Australian and our three kids are obviously mixed race in appearance. I’ve experienced plenty of racist comments in my time – some innocently ignorant, others far less so – and as much as it annoys me, you can’t really change people’s ingrained attitudes.
I’ve seen the looks people give me in some places I’ve been to which are, let’s say, not culturally diverse, when I suddenly appear with my London accent and tell them that, no, I don’t work in the local Chinese takeaway. I don’t let it bother me any more now I’m older (well, not that much) – if people want to think in broad racial stereotypes, that’s really their problem, not mine. #fortheloveofBLOG
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November 21, 2017 at 2:04 pm
I am absolutely stunned at this man’s words, how appalling. I think in this day and age when we live in such a multicultural country it’s a shame this is an issue you have to face. I really hope people stop this type of negative behaviour x #fortheloveofBLOG
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November 22, 2017 at 7:48 pm
It’s so sad, but unfortunately something that is becoming even more apparent in our lives. The most recent example was in a garden centre a chap picked up some worms and said ‘Oooo the Chinese would just LOVE these’. Cheers narrow-minded racism.
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November 22, 2017 at 5:08 pm
I have four mixed raced children When they were young some of the Racist remakes was so disrespectful and I would get so upset but I have to except there are rude Ignorant people sad little people
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November 23, 2017 at 2:16 pm
Oh this is so sad. And the thing is, if they grow up around this blatant racism, it will start to make them feel self-conscious about it. I think you’re absolutely doing the right thing, though – just raising them to be confident in their skin and not worry about what others are saying.
And congratulations because someone loved this post so much, they added it to the BlogCrush linky! Feel free to collect your “I’ve been featured” blog badge š #blogcrush
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November 27, 2017 at 8:22 am
Oh wow, Iām someoneās blog crush. Thatās made my day šš½ what a great way to start the week. Just wish I didnāt have to write the piece thatās got featured! X
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November 26, 2017 at 9:26 am
As the mum of mixed race children and a son with Down syndrome, I am well aware of how ignorant people can be. Although luckily I am yet to encounter racism. But saying that, I’m pretty oblivious to negative reactions anyway so it may just go over my head. I intend to raise my children to be confident, independent and strong, and to believe in themselves and their worth. Racism exists and so does intolerance towards the disabled, all we can do is our best in helping our kids be able to deal with it and move on. You’ll do just fine x x #bloggerclubuk
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November 27, 2017 at 7:51 am
Youāre right. Focus inward and raise strong, happy, tolerant children and we can hope that that will enable them to deal with whatever comes. X
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November 29, 2017 at 11:03 am
Our kids have two moms, and so they stand out too, or we do. I’ve never felt racism as I do now. As a Jewish lesbian, it is pretty rampant. I want better for the world and our kids, so every day, I use my words and my voice to make change. My Mrs. and me, we are raising empathetic and caring, yet strong little people. We all can stop it with this up and coming generation. Empathy. ⤠#mondaystumble
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