Perhaps a tad over the top, but there are some days when I do feel sad and almost grieve for the life I used to have and the person I used to be before having a child.
There have been moments over the past 11 months that I’ve become someone I barely recognise. I’ve experienced feelings I’ve never felt before, both good and bad, and similarly, thought things I never dreamed I would think.
It’s as if becoming a Mum has unlocked parts of my brain that were previously hidden.
I wasn’t selfish before having a son, but just by the very nature of not having to look after and prioritise another human being before myself, I’ve never understood just how much you give your life over to your child.
Pretty much every element of my day revolves around Sprog. Sometimes I envy my husband when he goes to work and can pee in peace. Just the ease with which he leaves the house can rile me to the very core. How he can sit and zone out while peacefully enjoying eating his lunch on his break, with two hands.
Lets get things straight, I love my son with every fibre of my being. And yes, I know it was my choice to have Sprog and the new life I have is – for the most part – wonderful. But, I’d be lying if I didn’t sometimes relish the thought of just being able to be selfish every once in a little while!
It’s taken me 11 months to hit my mothering-stride and find some semblance of a routine, that includes me taking time to focus on what I enjoy doing. There are less points I miss my old life.
However, there are some days I really do miss the freedom, the spontaneity. The mental clarity I used to enjoy and the emotional calmness.
I would not swap Sprog for my old life, far from it. It’s just a new chapter and it’s always easy to look back on childless life through rose-tinted glasses.
If I’m being honest, I never really enjoyed clubbing, I’m a shit dancer and can’t stand shouting shite on a dance floor surrounded by folk ‘getting-off’ with one another.
My career, as much as I enjoy it, doesn’t have to rule my life and can be meshed with me raising my children. Millions of women do it and do so very successfully.
As for lie-ins, anyone that knows me, will tell you that I was never one to cotch in bed. The early bird catches the worm and all that. Yes, prolonged, uninterrupted sleep would be nice, but cuddles in bed trump sleep any day!
I’m slowly starting to pinpoint exactly what it is that I miss, so I can start to prioritise these activities.
Having Sprog doesn’t mean I have to give up all the things that make me who I am. It just means I have to work a little harder to do them, and inevitably this will mean I’ll enjoy it even more!