Reminiscing with my husband, we took some time to look back on my rather tumultuous breastfeeding journey. At least we can laugh at it now!
I will freely admit that for me, trying to breastfeed was worse than giving birth. This may be down to the fact that during the birth I was off my tits thanks to an allergic reaction to a certain drug I was given.
Either way, I felt utterly trapped, in AGONY, overwhelmed and just generally out of my depth by the whole experience. This whole ‘it’s natural’ bullshit, just made me feel worse.
At the time, all I could think about was, why I couldn’t do something as ‘simple’ as feed my child. He needed me, and I couldn’t provide for him. Gut wrenching.
He would cry for a feed, I would tense up, my husband would pass him to me, and two hours of agony, tears and arguments would flow.
When the milk came in, I just wanted to cut off my boobs. I remember in the NCT classes, they were like ‘Oh, you’ll probably not want to go out of the house or wear a bra.’
As my husband reminded me, he once found me sat in the bottom of the shower, crying my eyes out, screaming for my boobs to be cut off. I still to this day can not put into words the agony, nothing I’ve ever experienced before.
My husband felt so helpless. But importantly, his support was unwavering. He went into action mode. He helped when the lactation consultant came. Running out to rent or buy whatever she recommended.
I don’t mind sharing that at 3am one morning, when I thought I was going to have to go to hospital (I didn’t have mastitis, I just had severe engorgement) my husband ran out to Tesco’s and loaded a trolley with 6 savoy cabbages and 2 hand pumps.
He must have got some funny looks as he loaded that shop on to the conveyor belt! Did I ever say, I love my husband!
As the days went on Sprog and I continued to struggled, it meant that my boobs were continually filling up with milk. It got to the point where I had square boobs. I shit you not. SQUARE!
I couldn’t touch them, I couldn’t have anything touch them. If I moved, it was agony and I leaked. So this ‘oh you won’t want to go out the house/wear a bra’ just riled me. I didn’t want to fecking move!
There were two things that relieved the excrutiating pain and that was cool savoy cabbage leaves inside my bra cups. It was bliss. Apparently there’s an enzyme in the leaves that helps to relieve the pain and stop milk production. It worked! I was in heaven.
The second thing was to hand express to stop the build up of milk. This was a painful process, but as I got to grips with it and the technique it was a life saver.
However, to learn the technique, I had to be shown. And how was I shown? By someone doing it for me. Bye bye dignity.
There was me, watched on by husband, being hand expressed by a lactation consultant into a pyrex jug. Yes, you read that right.
Needless to say that a mixture of hand expressing, cabbage leaves (apparently the darker the green, the more effective the cabbage), Sprog and I finally ‘clicking’, and going back into properly fitted underwired bras meant that eventually we had a wonderful experience breastfeeding. But by gawd, it took a lot of work!
So, to all you mum’s struggling to establish breastfeeding, I am proof that there is light at the end of the tunnel. You are doing WONDERFUL, you’re trying, you care so much about your baby, but don’t forget to look after yourself.
Are you spending so much time trying to work out how to feed, rather than enjoying your precious bundle. I had 2 days left on my calendar before I was about to give up. I’d put a date in the diary and was like if I’ve not got it nailed by then, then I need to stop for both our sakes.
Yes, there are times when breastfeeding just will not work, but I didn’t have problems with milk supply. For me, it was purely the latching technique and Sprog’s squished face.
More importantly, we’re in an age where you have CHOICES. You CAN feed your little one formula. I was raised on formula and I think I turned out ok. I’ve fed Sprog formula and he’s not turned into the devil… Yet!
Why did I persevere? Because I am terrifically stubborn. I’d started the breastfeeding journey, so I wanted to finish it.
That, and the fact we’d spent a small fortune on breastfeeding and I felt supremely guilty at the money and time we’d committed. We probably spent close to £700 from start to finish.
On what I hear you cry!
On renting an expressing kit, a lactation consultant, a cranial oesteopath, nursing bras, nursing pillows, random nursing aids, lotions, potions, and let’s not forget those damn CABBAGE leaves.
Seriously, my husband and I should have bought stocks in ‘Savoy Babbage’ as we called it.
I just genuinely didn’t see another way!
It’s funny, my husband’s best friend moved to Japan and his wife had their first child in the UK and their second in Japan. He commented that the pressure the NHS put on Mum’s to breastfeed, that ‘Breast is Best’ is damaging.
The attitude in Japan was so far removed, so much more gentle to the mother. His wife had a tumultuous time establishing breastfeeding her first and in a way, the Japanese attitude made things easier for her to go back to try breastfeeding.
Perhaps the UKs maternity services need to look at how they’re providing information and cut us Mum’s some slack!
December 5, 2015 at 8:11 am
Love your attitude throughout this post! good on you for keeping going…I also found BF a major shock and limped through four months both times. you’re right that it’s no cheap option, I think you made some awesome points here. welcome to #coolmumclub – you fit right in!! X MMT
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December 6, 2015 at 12:14 pm
This is a fantastic post. All too often I see breastfeeding posts from members of the Breastapo (I wish I could claim credit for that name, but its the term coined by a blogging friend of mine) that aim to guilt trip mothers who didnt breast feed. Im past all that now, but when I had my first baby those criticisms struck deep.
Tracey xx
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December 6, 2015 at 1:46 pm
Love this post. It’s such an honest, open one. Thanks for sharing your kind words and well done you on your BF journey #coolmumclub
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December 7, 2015 at 9:33 am
What a great post! Thank you for sharing your breastfeeding journey. It is not as natural and easy for everyone. i remembered having blisters and crying in pain everytime mine latched on and everyone was like, “oh…that’s fine…it’s okay..” But I think I put the most pressure on myself, thinking this is what a mom should be doing…so I should be doing this!
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December 7, 2015 at 10:46 am
Popping back from #marvmondays
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December 7, 2015 at 11:20 am
Brilliant post! There is a tremendous amount of pressure to breastfeed and despite all the lovely pictures and NHS pamphlets … It bloody hurts!! I remember my tot vomiting blood and me calling my health visitor in blind panic to be told “don’t worry dear, it’s just your blood. Babies find it hard to digest.” Gah!! I was like you though and stubbornly determined and after about two weeks the pain just vanished and that was it. Easy peasy and totally pain fee. Exactly the same with my second tot too so if anyone else is going through the hell of those first couple of weeks, it does get better! (And if not, that’s what formula is for!) Either way you’re doing an awesome job xx #marvmondays
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December 8, 2015 at 9:40 pm
I am feeling the pain of your square boobs! Well done you for cracking on and persevering. I can only imagine the suffering. I felt such relief for you that the cabbage worked. That’s one of those amazing things isn’t it. I wonder if it works for angry pre-menstrual whoppers. Fab post #KCACOLS
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December 9, 2015 at 10:05 am
I attempted breastfeeding and could not codinate durto disability. Both mine are formula feed. I weighed it has I was getting really down and affecting bond so opted formula. This helped make me more happy and enjoy the time with my sons as above to hating life and feeling a failure. X #KCACOLS
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December 9, 2015 at 9:26 pm
Oh I fully sympathise with that journey! Mine was not too dissimilar (with both my children) and like you was too painfully stubborn to quit and ended up costing us fortunes in aids, bloody formula would have been cheaper! Fair play for powering through though and I am glad it all worked out in the end and you can look back and laugh now #KCACOLS
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December 10, 2015 at 2:06 pm
I found breast feeding excruciatingly painful to begin with, and for most of the time that I did it to be honest, I just don;t think we ever quite got the knack of it, but I persevered and it was nice not havign to warm bottles in the middle of the night 😉
Thanks for linking up to #PicknMix
Stevie x
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December 10, 2015 at 9:14 pm
sorry but I laughed out loud at the being and expressed into a pyrex jug! When they are that engorged they are ‘square’ you will do anything!! I struggled to feed I managed to keep going but the beginning was agony both times. Great post, thanks for linking to #PickNMix
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December 11, 2015 at 8:57 pm
I absolutely love this post! i had a very similar experience to you. My first wouldn’t latch on so I gave up just to leave the hospital (they wouldn’t let me leave until he had fed), i had no desire to breastfeed my second and made that incredibly clear to the midwives. My third, however I really wanted to give it a good go, and after he latched on perfectly for the first feed, I was motivated to give it a good shot, the first couple of weeks were painful but ok, then I got mastitis in my left breast and just couldn’t bring myself to feed him from there, which made it ten times worse of course, hand pumping and expressing was a horrible experience as I was just making myself cry through pain. Then I got Thrush on my right breast. After 4 days or sobbing and dreading ‘feeding’ time I decided enough was enough. I also had 2 other children that had clicked mummy was stuck in one position as soon as feeding time came. It was best for all of us. Everyone that ‘intervened’ said I was doing it right, he was latching on fine but yet it was agony! I felt like a failure for stopping but I am so glad I did! And square boobs? Yes, I hear ya! #KCACOLS xx
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December 12, 2015 at 7:51 am
This is a very interesting post!! I think you are right. There is a little bit of a pressure about having to breastfeed and also towards naturl births in this country which is a huge pressure to us mothers. Everybody is different and our bodies don’t respond in the same way. I think we should have all the information for both options as you never know what will it be the best for you and your baby. I’m sorry to hear that you had a difficult time breastfeeding (I was the same) but well done to managed at end. Not everybody persist until the end. Thanks so much for sharing this at #KCACOLS. I’m so happy to have you here for the first time. I hope that you like it. 🙂 xx
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December 12, 2015 at 10:24 am
Couldn’t agree more with everything you write here. I struggled for 8 weeks before we got the hang of it, in the meantime I expressed all the feeds. If I never see a pump again it’ll be too soon! But I was also terribly stubborn and fast approaching that 8 week mark which I’d decided was my ‘out’. I was just sick of sterilising bottles and that was my motivation!
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December 12, 2015 at 7:26 pm
Yes! Bloody breastfeeding. I had absolutely NO idea how difficult it would be, everyone goes on as if it’s the easiest thing in the world and that was with a son who latched very well. The difficulty for me was the constant feeding, I mean allll day long not being able to move, but I’m glad you got there in the end. I gave up 3 months in and regretted it almost instantly. I say I’ll try longer with the next one but we never know what our journeys will throw at us! Thanks for linking up to #MarvMondays. Kaye xo
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November 8, 2017 at 3:58 pm
Great post!! I remember the agony all too well and crying too. I didn’t have much of a problem establishing feeding with my girls but the PAIN!! Thanks for linking with #bloggersbest x
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November 13, 2017 at 8:23 pm
I’m nearing the end of breastfeeding my second child and it was just as much agony the second time round as the first! x
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November 12, 2017 at 8:36 am
There is a pressure and that’s coming from someone who knew from the outset that I wasn’t going to breastfeed. My mind was made up and so many tried to change it. It’s such a personal decision. As long as Mums have the facts with which make their choice then that’s where it should be left. Being a new Mum is hard enough without the added pressure. Thanks for linking up to #TriumphantTales!
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November 13, 2017 at 8:25 pm
You are so right. It is a personal, private decision that should be left to the parents – not a midwife. I persevered breastfeeding my son perhaps at a detriment to my mental health. You live and learn hey! x
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November 13, 2017 at 12:49 pm
I had problems breastfeeding all 3 children and have described it all on my blog. I agree that the NHS diktat of breast is best is unhelpful and bordering on dangerous due to the effect on maternal mental health #triumphanttales
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November 13, 2017 at 8:29 pm
I couldn’t agree more. It’s almost as if they are blinkered and don’t take into consideration the bigger picture. I’m now nearing the end of my breastfeeding journey with my 2nd child and it was just as difficult establishing as with the first. I got no help from the NHS and paid for a private lactation consultant, highlighting my other frustration. All this talk of ‘breast is best’ and they can’t even provide a good network of care and support to help mothers succesfully breastfeed. They just tell you that it’s the best way to nourish your child and you’re just left to get on with it. Rant over!
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November 14, 2017 at 2:16 pm
I’m 9 months in with baby number three & have loved breastfeeding – glad you got into a groove in the end #bloggersbest
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November 14, 2017 at 2:20 pm
I’ve loved breastfeeding too, thoroughly embraced it. Just very difficult and soul destroying in the beginning when everyone tells you it’s the BEST thing since sliced bread, but they’re not actually capable of offering useful guidance on how to actually do it successfully. I can’t believe some of the advice I was given both with my son and daughter. In the end I took matters in to my own hands and hired a private lactation consultant – it afforded me the time I actually needed with an expert as opposed to a midwife/health visitor who was just there to tick boxes. xx
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November 19, 2017 at 8:52 am
Love your attitude! I do think that the pressure can be unbearable. I had a very unsupportive midwife first time round and she wouldn’t accept that the breastfeeding wasn’t happening. I started smuggling my daughter bottles and felt like I was doing something terrible. Second time round and different midwife with no pressure and I was able to breastfeed! #FridayFrolics
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November 19, 2017 at 11:16 am
Gosh that sounds traumatic. The narrow-minded notion that breast is best for ALL is truly damaging. Healthcare professionals need to look at the bigger picture, especially Mum’s mental health. What’s the point in pushing breastfeeding when Mum is on the verge of a mental breakdown. I started to dread people passing my son to me to feed because it was THAT painful, thankfully I managed to get it sorted due to a lactation consultant, but I can imagine if I hadn’t things would have been very different. Each to their own, and each should be supported!
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November 20, 2017 at 10:54 am
I too was hand expressed. Nothing like starting your breastfeeding journey literally feeling like a cow!!! I agree there is too much pressure. Fed is best and it should be accepted that women have the intelligence to make an informed decision. Thanks for linking up to #FridayFrolics
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November 24, 2017 at 12:34 am
Never knew about cabbage leaves! I did breastfeed both of my kids, but also not without initial difficulties. Especially with the first – she couldn’t latch. And I had an infection once – not fun. Stubborn perseverance here too! Thanks so much for joining us for #FridayFrolics
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November 27, 2017 at 8:19 am
So wonderful to hear. I’m yet to hear of a breastfeeding experience that’s been plain sailing. X
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