I never EVER used to think about death, or how much time I may have left. It was just something that never crossed my mind, I thought I was invincible.
I’ve lost people close to me, and pets, but it never made me really question things.
All this has changed.
I’m trying to pinpoint why I can’t sleep, why thoughts about how little time I may have left keep spinning aroung my restless mind. How I can’t settle down to just relax, watch TV, take time out?
Looking back over 2015, it’s been a year of huge changes.
- We lost my Granddad days before I became a first-time Mum
- I gave birth to my wonderful Sprog
- I turned 30-years-old
- We’ve put down roots here and bought a family home
- We lost our family dog, Jasper.
It’s been such a tumultuous year, not all bad, but so many life-changing events have taken place that it’s been hard to take it all in.
It could be anyone of the above that’s pushed me over the edge, or just a combination of all of them. All I know is that I now have an obsessive preoccupation with how precious life is.
I’m so obsessive that it’s become quite a problem. I want EVERY moment to be utterly perfect. I don’t want to waste a second. But, as we all know, that’s just not life.
Life is just damn hard sometimes and can’t be all fairies, unicorns and rainbows.
Speaking regularly with a counsellor has helped. I do believe I have postpartum anxiety, which has helped normalise the awful thoughts that I suffer. Naming it makes me realise that I will get better, although it may never go completely, it may hopefully ease.
It’s already easing to some extent. The thoughts don’t fill my brain all day every day, which they used to. It means I am able to focus on other things and try to rationalise things a little better.
Thinking about my own death, not in a suicidal way, makes me panicky, I struggle to fall asleep most nights still. These thoughts of death gets my stomach tangled in knots for hours, it’s simply terrifying.
Although things have abated to some extent, it still gets me out of nowhere. It sneaks up on me. Unfortunately, I don’t think it will ever go away now. I just have to learn to live with it.
If anything, I’m trying to take ownership of these thoughts. Instead of becoming so paralysed with the thoughts, the fear of mortality, that I stop enjoying my actual time left on this earth, I now stop putting things off. I make an effort to see the positive in ALL that I do. Savour the good stuff and push away the bad.
Oh well, my new ‘friend’ may just be the best thing that’s happened to me. I’ve already got a Pen Pal, started spinning again, booked a retreat for myself to see old friends and started planning my 2015 adventures!
Postnatal anxiety, you’re not going to hold me back!