It’s never nice to admit something unkind about yourself, but it’s time I do, so I can work out how to change.
No matter how hard I try, I just can’t seem to stop snapping at my poor, doting husband.
Since Sprog arrived back in April I’ve been taken aback by just how furious I feel towards husband sometimes and I can honestly say I can’t pinpoint why.
From the minute we wake, to the moment he comes through the front door, I’m constantly finding things to snipe at him about. It’s absolutely shite.
It must be absolutely horrific for him. And I wouldn’t blame him if he didn’t want to come home most evenings.
Even when I give myself a pep talk, it can take something absolutely miniscule to kick things off.
What makes it worse is that he’s trying his hardest to help with everything. He’s an absolute super star around the house.
I do constantly apologise to him for getting angry, but I want to stop getting to the flash point in the beginning.
Perhaps it’s nothing he’s doing, perhaps it’s just jealously of his freedom. He’s a reminder of the life I used to lead.
Then there’s trying to delineate the chores. He works all day long earning the money for us to live off, and I work all day raising our child.
With this in mind, as he earns the money, I’ve gone back to the traditional view that because I’m at home all day I should do all the household chores.
Many new mums know, there just isn’t time some days for tidying and the shit builds up. Fine if you’re out of the house all day, but being sat, festering in it works me up.
It doesn’t bother husband, he’d happily leave it until it was in dire straits but I can’t. So I get worked up about shit that I can’t fix and it doesn’t even bother him, but I take it out on him! GO FIGURE!
I wish I could just wave a magic wand and stop shouting at husband, relieve us of the tiredness, work out how to go back to work in some form and be happier with my lot at the moment.
I think we just need a break, a holiday. It’s been over a year. I can’t see the wood for the trees at the moment and my poor husband is on the receiving end of far too much too.
It’s been a huge shift in dynamics between the two of us. The lack of an income has had an impact on my confidence. I feel I owe husband, even though he doesn’t see it this way.
And just speaking with people about something other than babies. I LOVED my job, I mean really LOVED my job. Lovely boss and work that I could really get my teeth into. I miss it. I miss starting and finishing something. Having targets. Seeing my work having an impact.
All day every day is just constant, relentless, thankless tasks. Which have there moments of being wonderful. Feeding Sprog for example. His beaming smile when he’s eaten a mouthful. But it’s hard.
No one is there to witness the effort, praise you when you’re trying your hardest. It’s like I’ve used up all my energy being the best mummy to Sprog and never getting frustrated or irate, so when poor husband gets home, all of the day pent up frustrations get unleashed.
What ever the reason, it’s got to stop. I’ve got to work out exactly why I do it, so I can nip it in the bud.
So, I guess the first step is admitting I have a problem. And that’s what I’m doing here.