From unsolicited advice to certain baby products, here are my current pet peeves as a new mum.

  • ONE. “Sleep When He Sleeps”

If I hear this pearl of wisdom one more time, I’m going to explode and throttle the poor unsuspecting git who dared utter the words.

If only it was as easy as bloody sleeping when Sprog sleeps. Lets just remember he hasn’t consumed 4 cups of coffee before 10am to function.

This advice is usually dispensed in the same breath as telling me to stop worrying about letting things slide in the house.

Oh I’m sorry, my child seems to need quite a lot of my attention when he’s awake, so the moment he does eventually close his eyes, I’m cooking/cleaning/weeping/surviving and generally restoring order to the shit storm we’ve both created while entertaining one another in said waking hours.

  • TWO. Baby Wipes

Why is it, that with all the technological advances of the 21st century, baby wipe manufacturers are yet to develop a pack that doesn’t dispense the entire contents of wipes in one long, fecking string.

You try holding the feet of your impossibly wriggly baby with one hand while wrestling just one wipe out of the pack with the other. IMPOSSIBLE.

If you do miraculously manage to extract just one wipe you’re then left trying to find the hidden edge of the next one. WHY IS THERE NO HAPPY MEDIUM!

  • THREE. The Upset Caused By Sprog Not Being the Spit of Me

I’m not sure why folk (mainly other new mums) get so upset that Sprog doesn’t look like my mini-me.

My husband is Chinese so of course the dominant gene is going to win out.

Leave me alone and focus on your own child! I know he’s mine, he drop kicked his way out of my vagina so I’m 100% sure of that!

  • FOUR. What Are You Feeding Your Child

The same people who get upset at Sprog not looking like me also seem to be those who have a fascination with what I’m going to feed him. “Is he eating rice?” “Will you be feeding him spicy food?” “What traditional foods will he be eating?”

My husband is British, his tastes are British. If anything influences his tastebuds it’s his parents South African heritage!

Yes, it’s mainly harmless, but it’s when I try to explain. They get rather confuddled and make me wish I’d never even tried to! So… you’re husband is Chinese, but he’s British and his parents are South African?!?!?

  • FIVE. Telling Me What My Baby Wants

Well-wishing strangers seem comfortable in not only telling me what Sprog wants, but doing it in his voice.

When MY baby is crying, the last thing I need is for you to come over and stick your oar in. Just offer a knowing smile and leave me be. Please.

The worst offending place for this is in our local supermarket. As we usually shop at peak ‘Grandma hour’ there’s simply no escaping the Sprog ventriloquists.

I’ve lost count of how many time I’ve had an elderly woman sidle up to the pram when Sprog’s been crying, peak in and say, “oh Mummy, purlease put me to bed, I’m so vewwy tired.”

No. He’s not pissing tired. I’ve just been locked in the house all morning as my little precious sleeps, waiting for him to wake from HIS slumber, as I ran around like a blue arsed fly getting shit done during lock-down.

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